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Archive for January, 2010

Cutest ever…

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Kiss…

No, not the legendary rock band that should have been long ago ensconced in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

A kiss…a sweet, innocent, oh-so-longed-for little smooch from my precious little boy.

That is what I got last night.  It isn’t the first time Hank has kissed me.  He actually gives them rather freely upon request.  If he doesn’t offer full lips, he will offer an upturned cheek for me to smack.  For about a month a while back, I also got lots of tongue.  I didn’t request that, he just gave it.  He will also purse his lips and offer them up unsolicited when (a) he has done something wrong and been scolded and (b) he wants something that I have.

But last night, I received the first ever not-a-bribe, not-a-beg-for-forgiveness, not-asked-for, not-initiated-by-me KISS.  Oh, yes.  It was the sweetest thing ever.

Here’s how it happened.

He was really tired.  I had gone outside, and I returned to find Hank wandering the house in search of me, big crocodile tears running down his cheeks.  His sad face is the best…many a young girl will fall prey to that face in the future.  He led me to Dagney’s bed and asked (in his way) me to lay down with him to watch Spongebob.  I laid on my side and he sat leaning against my stomach.  After a few calming moments filled with intermittent sniffles, he turned to me and leaned in for a smooch.  Just because he loves me.

The funny thing is that I have longed for this exact thing the last week or so…sweet, unsolicited, simple affection.  When I lay in bed with him at night, I put my hand in a spot for him to conveniently hold it…just in case he decides he wants to.  Do you remember doing that on first dates?  Placing your hand just so to make it easily accessible?  It’s like that.

*Dreamy sigh*

He held my hand last night too.

*insert smitten teenage girl giggle here*

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Questions…

Dagney:  Mom?

Me: Yeah, sweetie.

Dagney:  If Hank and I were both falling off of something high, who would you save?

Me:  I would try to save you both.

Dagney:  What if you couldn’t get both of us?

Me:  I would grab the one closest to me.  The one I would be most likely able to save.

Dagney:  What if we were the same distance from you?

Me:  Then I could grab you both.  I have two arms!

Dagney:  What if one of your arms disappeared?

Me:  Then I would grab the one on the side I have an arm.

Dagney:  What if we were both on that side? laughing…

Me:  Oh, good grief.  Go away.  smiling at my clever, although twisted, little offspring…

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I love this.

Brandi Carlile.  If there was no you.

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Adrift…

One week ago…

That’s how I feel.  Adrift.  Or, suspended in time.  My little family and myself, stuck in a bubble, in a state of suspended animation.  The world outside is flying by, or maybe it’s not.  Perhaps, the entire world has come to a screeching halt, and we are holding everything up.  Everyone is waiting for someone to make a decision…me, me and John, Dagney, Hank, the whole of us.

More likely, it is only my small world that is in slow motion, caught in a looping pattern of indecision.  It would be infinitely helpful if I knew what in the hell I’m supposed to be deciding.  I feel restless.  I feel like I am on the cusp of…something…wonderful?…horrible?…a bounty of pleasure untold?…an infinite abyss from which I will never escape?…WHAT??

(I cast my vote for the 3rd one.  The bounty of pleasure untold.  Yeah, that would be nice.)

Now…

I started this post last week.  I still feel the same way, but the sharp restlessness has eased a bit.  There’s nothing like the holidays with the total lack of routine and schedule, the “It’s a New Year” phenomenon, and total inability to get away from your kids to knock you for a good loop-de-loop.

In this instance, it has made me introspective.  I like and even love a lot of what I see at first inward glance.  Other aspects of myself, I actively dislike.  The singling out of the distasteful qualities doesn’t bother me.  It’s good to see them, slap a name tag on them, and recognize them for what they are.  What does bother me?  Ambivalence.  Looking at myself and not having any strong feelings one way or the other.  It leads to a chilling feeling of emptiness.  The feeling of being at a fork in the road of your life, but the paths are nondescript and devoid of road signs.  There is no single path more or less traveled, no spooky hollow, no light at the end of a dark road.  Just choices.  So, you pick one and trudge forward whilst doing your best Eeyore impersonation, “Sigh…whatever…it doesn’t matter anyway.”  You eenie-meenie-miney-moe it because it’s that or just keep standing there.  No investment.  No passion.  Ambivalence.

I don’t like it.  I don’t like it at all.  Feeling ambivalent about your life is like not living at all.  Like part of you is muted, the volume only on 3 when it should be cranked to 11.  So,  have I ever really lived?  Oh, yeah.  I’ve lived.  But, what I’m doing right now doesn’t feel like living, not wholly anyway.  I need to fix some things.  Improve myself.  Invest myself more.  But, should I do MORE?  Or, should I take what I’m doing now and do it BETTER?  I think I will start with the latter and aspire to the former.

There.  I chose a path.  Feels good.  Hope I stick to it.

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